I've had one of those weeks where I have all of these little lies creeping around inside my head and I have been wondering what the heck I am thinking trying to start a business and follow this dream. If I am completely honest with you it's hard, really hard. It's hard trying to balance having a family and working while trying to help this baby business grow. It's hard having the energy at the end of the day and thinking ahead of the long summer days that are coming after I've already put in my 8-5. I'm a girl who likes security and knowing the plan laid out step by step, there is so much about this that I am just following along in faith. I read a quote that said,
"God never gives you a dream that matches your budget. He's not checking your bank account, He's checking your faith."
I needed to read that. I have asked multiple family members why I can't be content just working my job and you know, just living a normal life. The reply's have basically been "it's not in our family DNA" and "because He has laid this dream on my heart". He didn't tell me it would be easy but He is there paving the way (and my dear wonderful husband had no clue what he was in for when he married me but has supported this from day one).
I do think God wants us to live our lives unabandoned for Him, unafraid to get messy and uncomfortable. Growing flowers, trying to start a business has left me extremely messy and uncomfortable; I'm still not sure what the overall large picture of this plan is. I know that when I am outside working I am in my happiest most content state. I feel free and know that this is what I am meant and called to do, but I can't think that there isn't a bigger picture to all of this, and that bigger picture is most likely going to keep stretching me past the comfortable. I will readily admit that I am so completely guilty of clutching to the comfortable on every single level. I remember a few years ago it had rained and rained almost daily for weeks. Koy (my son) and I were sitting in the barn and as I sat there I realized that rain on a tin roof might be one of the best sounds in the world. Koy asked me if we were finished why were we still sitting there and not going to the house. Not even thinking I grabbed his hand and said come jump in a mud puddle with me. His 6 year old self totally resisted at first because he had "good" shoes on but by the second jump he was hooked. We ran all over our farm lane finding every puddle we could and jumped in it as hard as we could. I remember going into the house that night completely drenched and muddy but more refreshed and destressed than I had felt in a long time. I think back on that evening and how easy it is to let all of the little stresses add up into great big stresses that just hold us back in every way possible. I am finding that I am starting to allow that with growing this business. Worrying and wondering to myself, will I sell enough flowers this year, was the interest in our flowers last year just a "one hit wonder", can I really design, how am I even going to keep my house clean, can we really afford to cash flow this start up and the list goes on and on. When I allow those thoughts to take over I am not allowing God to work in this dream, I'm trying to take it on myself. I'm not jumping into the puddles unabandoned following Him, I'm stepping around them following my path.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and allowing me to share my heart. As this grows I want to keep a completely open door and allow you to see my heart, my thoughts, through the good and bad days of it, the doubts, worries, joys...all of it.
Have a wonderful weekend, we don't have any puddles out there right now but next time we do...go jump in one ;-)